Because. No Nipples

Wearing the lace shirt with nothing underneath.
Because. No nipples.
Not having to worry about the wind blowing too hard.
Or unasked for stares while I'm walking down the street.
Wear the halter top. The strapless shirt. No bra needed.

Catching a glimpse of my mutilation in the mirror.
Because. No nipples.
Two like scars; angry eyebrows across my chest.
Foreign objects taking up residence in my body, masquerading as my own.
Shaving that one scooped out section under my armpit for 5 minutes to get a hair I can't reach.

Perfecting my post mastectomy pushups.
Because. Reconstruction.
With every personal best reached, an additional "screw you" to the doctors who told me never again.
Thanking my body every day for getting out of bed.
For arms that can hug, legs that can run, a heart that can love.

Doing the world's perfect stretch and realizing my arm will only go so far.
Because. Reconstruction.
Feeling like a fraud looking at my silhouette.
Not knowing how long silicone actually lasts before it breaks down and I have to make another decision.
Jealousy of beautiful cleavage during summer months, knowing mine will never meet that shape again.

Pouring hormone therapy in my body for 7 years, taking action to keep the cancer away.
Because. Tamoxifen.
Speaking positive affirmations to my body every day.
Talking it out in therapy, taking effexor, wearing cold caps, fans in the face. managing side effects.
Knowing I've done everything I can to protect the temple that is my body.

Consistent exercise routine and still, the belly rolls, the numbers on the scale go up.
Because. Tamoxifen.
Sweating through my sheets at every season change.
When the blues hit deeper and bluer.
And insomnia forces you to think through every possible ailment and "shit, is that pain cancer?"

No nipples...
Reconstruction...
Tamoxifen...

The awe and the anger live simultaneously.
There is beauty in the duality.
I am both a monster and a work of art.
A chaotic cacophony of grief and joy and fear and love.
Screaming from the rooftops, "FUCK CANCER" and "thanks."